Perception is Everything

One of the hardest things to deal with is how people perceive you, the things you say, and also, your intent in both the written word and verbal conversation.

Perception according to Websters is:

per·cep·tion

noun \pər-ˈsep-shən\

1 a : a result of perceiving : observation (see perceive) b : a mental image : concept

But really, that is just the beginning, isn't it?
How you perceive things is based on our own experiences and cultural upbringing, and boy does that bring an infinite amount of complication into the picture! In today's society, just being across town does not insure that you were brought up in the same environment or culture. You could have been brought up poor or wealthy, having or not having, understanding sacrifice or never having to sacrifice and all of that coalesces into that "understanding" or mental image/observation of what you are trying to convey, but not necessarily how it is being interpreted on the other side because of the receiving party's perceptions.

Dealing with this in just one conversation, especially when you lump in irony, allegory or colloquialisms, can make the situation just unbearable and even frustrating at times. Dealing with it on a personal level, how we as people are perceived is just downright amazing.

Do we ever really know someone? We only have our perceptions based on the information they have allowed us to know about them throughout the time you have spent with them. Do they really know you? They can only have their perception of you based upon their experiences with you and for what you have allowed them to know about you over time. How do we keep straight who we allowed to know what over our lifetimes? That really plays into how we are perceived in our lifetime by the different people who drift in and out of our lives. I find it is much easier just to be honest and up front, not putting on masks or changing based upon company. And yet, we still have differences in how we are perceived, amazing, huh? Our behaviors are sometimes perceived differently than intended, and I always have to remember there is a fine line between false modesty and modesty, pride and bragging and I'm sure those lines are different for everyone because of how they perceive those categorizations.

Some people see me as confident and strong. Would it surprise you to know there is a terrified little girl inside that deals with being afraid of the unknown every day? My mom loves to be the life of the party, all the attention on her. Would it surprise a lot of people if they knew that in that situation, I always feel more comfortable being invisible and my confidence wanes incessantly throughout the ordeal...I mean fun?

While it is not always the case, depending on how many people really "know" me at the party, if there are a lot of strangers there, it is much worse for me. And, when I contemplate the "why", I realize it is all about perception, how will "strangers" perceive me in this very quick forum. Will there be acceptance? Will there be rejection? Should we put ourselves out there to feel it at all? Things I think about all the time, even on the commute to work sitting next to strangers...

I fight with myself every day. I fight myself to get up and get to that gym to be the best that I can be today. I fight myself to push the limits at work so that I can be the best at it today. I fight myself to try new things every day just because I am afraid to do so. Someone I told that to called me courageous and inspiring. I thought about it for a moment and then I responded that all I know how to do is to be me. To be the me that makes me proud every day of the way I live my life. To be the me that makes decisions that allow me to sleep at night no matter what happens. To be the me that I show everyone, the same, because it is who I am, no matter how I am perceived by all.

Please don't mistake my intent here, I suffer from very low self-esteem no matter what the world perceives. I have days when I won't even call for take-out food because I can't deal with the person on the other end of the phone! Why, I often wonder, and quite frankly have never figured out the reason. The only difference here is that I hide my low self-esteem from the world and force it down into a place where I don't give it credence to play havoc with me anymore. Instead, I made a conscious decision to carry self-respect and self-satisfaction in a little container next to my heart and access it every day.

I perceive this transformation happened to me because of all the love and support I have had. I have been fortuitous enough in my life to have fabulous friends and family who have encouraged me along my journey and facilitated the finding of my courage along the way. Every one of you are in my heart every moment of every day and I am thankful you are a part of me.