Losing

It is definitely a work in progress! I promise, I'm working on it! Yes, I am not a good loser, period. I know this about myself and I'm working on it.

I believe that it stems back to that whole "perfection" discussion/idea. If you were perfect or "good enough", you would win. When you don't, you start to wonder what it is about what you did that wasn't "good enough" so that you can change it next time. For me, every time I don't win, no matter how casual, I feel the failure. I feel physically ill. A friend advised once that I need to fail on purpose, that way I can make the failure my own. I couldn't do it, I really tried, but I didn't know how. Maybe I'll try again some day, it was a really good idea!


There was a bead challenge.
I participated and, yes, I got my materials much later than everyone else, but I put out a great piece. Out of 3 designs in my category, I didn't win. I should have been happy for the winner, instead, all I can think about was, why didn't everyone love my piece? What was wrong with it? What could I have done different? What was it they didn't like? What were they looking for that I didn't provide? I am just unbelievable - it was supposed to be fun.


AND I did learn something about myself, I learned that I could actually make something from a handful of beads and start from nothing and come up with something beautiful. These beads didn't even match! And I thought it came out great, and I even had a theme and the necklace was inspired by the beads given and even made as a focal point. Oh well, you can't have it all.

I'm wondering if it goes back to those days where I always felt that excelling in my life meant getting attention from my father. When I did well, he would give me attention and positive reinforcement. Maybe I'm still looking for that kind of acceptance despite him not being around, just in others. Or maybe its because I sometimes feel like I am on the outside looking in to places, almost like I don't belong. I'm not sure why that is, but there it is out on the table for me to peruse, taste it, try it on for size!

Unfortunately it has been a problem I have not been able to solve for myself. When I play games with others, I have to bite my tongue or force a smile when someone beats me. I just can't seem to shrug it off, and think, hey, someone can be better at something than you, you can't be great at everything! I try, it doesn't happen that way at all. But that's ok, because I am working on it. Working on it, working on it. OMG! I can't believe I'm still doing it! I can't even leave a darn typo in the posting, I had to edit and correct it! Geez, I still have a long way to go...

I just wonder if this is all part of that vicious "perfectionism" circle that I'm trying to shed...what do you think? I would love to hear!!

It's a work in progress...but then again, life is a work in progress...